It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
You Might Also Like
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Many hands make light work
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.