I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
You Might Also Like
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood