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“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.