my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
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All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
So many pants.
So little yoga.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain