I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
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PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
sistine chapel