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“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
The real reason evolution started..😂
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.