*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
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Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Sign at work today
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?