{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
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Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”