I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
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ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
My background check bounced.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party