Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
You Might Also Like
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
dictator is short for richard potato
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works