Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
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Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead