My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
You Might Also Like
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being