wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
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Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”