ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
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i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.