Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
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Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
sigh
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/