At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
You Might Also Like
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
2022 be like
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun