Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
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mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
scares
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple