in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
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Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
The struggle is real.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.