My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
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Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
This was my dad’s browser history.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
shut up and take my money
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Respect
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.