I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
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Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.