Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
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My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
The symmetry is uncanny.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.