I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
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Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket