Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
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Attacked by a mop.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Good morning y’all ☀️
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
In Canada they just call them geese
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
this is how life feels