cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
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It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.