Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
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Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Yes, air conditioning, Iโll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because itโs too hot outside.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Iโm in that magical stage of parenting where I donโt need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also donโt have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think Iโm smart and funnyโฆhow do I stay here???
With AI weโve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now weโre just like hey โcan you write a poem for my gf?”
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Looking at the huge commercial success of the โBarbieโ movie means Iโm already bracing myself for the inevitable โMr. Cleanโ movie starring Dwayne โThe Rockโ Johnson.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: hereโs the teeth yโall pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
So my therapist recommended a โdigital detoxโ and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
โ ๐ง๐ต๐ถ๐ ๐๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ถ๐ ๐น๐ผ๐๐ ๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฒ๐ฎ
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if Iโm wearing clothes underneath.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when iโm dehydrated itโs simple economics