[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
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hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
“what’s it like having a sister?”
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Has science gone too far?
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.