No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
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I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Nice try, poison.