{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
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To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
worst…sale…ever
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars