Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
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Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.