But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
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House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
“i miss shittin on people”
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH