landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
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I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Happy weekend !
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.