I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
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normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
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The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
birds and squirrels envy us
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I only treason on days ending in y
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us