[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
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the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
happy friday
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
how to have an accident 101