(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
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Iâm sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, Iâm going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I donât remember
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji đ)
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sirâ
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
âI wouldnât touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot poleâ
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
The girl in front of me googled âmed school GPAâ and then immediately after googled âwhat can I do with a biology degreeâ.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle