In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
You Might Also Like
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
she has a point
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it