This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
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they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
when revenge coincides with naptime
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Saw your ex at the shops
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
#growingpains
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.