How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
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E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Jesus Christ lmao
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.