My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
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I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.