went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
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Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.