ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
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A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
barbara was highly relatable
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
The cashier just checked me out.