When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
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Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
It鈥檚 not you, it鈥檚 me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that鈥檚 Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it鈥檚 short for Michael
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It鈥檚 my Photo-Sin-Thesis
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I like the sound of thunder because there鈥檚 always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
If my coworker doesn鈥檛 stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Son鈥檚 journal entry
馃挴 sweet 馃挴 inaccurate on all counts
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.