me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
You Might Also Like
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Noah
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep