me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
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@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
this is funnier than any friends episode
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…