This trial is so absurd 馃槶
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馃槀馃槀
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don鈥檛 have arms, Gary
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
The man I married can land a fly on a trout鈥檚 snout.
The man I married says it鈥檚 not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn鈥檛 allow imprecise compliments.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
I would move hell over six inches for you
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira鈥檚 hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don鈥檛 have to swear this one in
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.