“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
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3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime