Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
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An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Leaving the Barbers like
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable