Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
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Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where