Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
You Might Also Like
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.