They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
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[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.