Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
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Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
can’t catch a break
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4